Posted December 31, 2010on:
Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me. I look like a monkey. Happy Birthday to me.
What a year it’s been. A year that almost lost me.
First there was Nicky’s foot surgery and the days at the hospital with him… I remember how the days seem to merge together. I remember how meek he was. How my stomach dropped when I stood in the O.R. in scrubs, holding his hand as they put him under, his eyes rolled back into his head.
When they removed his cast and they had to adjust his foot, how he cried out. He also loved being on morphine. The cute little weirdo. He’s a silly kid, I love him dearly. He was kissing nurses’ hands. Calling some pretty. Charming them. He’s a little gentleman. He’s a sweetheart.
It was so rough when he came home. He was wheel chair bound and using a walker. It was so difficult lugging the wheelchair up and down the stairs and stuff. He had his surgery on April 6th.
Then came that fateful day. May 13th. That ugly ugly day when my foot fell asleep, I got up to carry a plate to the sink, my ankle gave, my knee locked, and I hit the floor, experiencing the worst pain I’d ever felt in my entire life. The pain and then there was the fear because I couldn’t move. I screamed for help, and nobody came. I tried to get to the phone, and I couldn’t do it.
Then Mom called.
It gave me the strength to get to the phone… I slid along the floor in an odd scoot, yanked on the cords, and pulled the phone so it fell off the base and landed into my hands. I think God gave me the strength to pull it off.
So I roasted the spring and summer away in the nursing home while Nicky stayed with Mom, who did an amazing job. Then I had the surgery in August and spent 2 and 1/2 weeks in the hospital. I get home with the intent of adopting a cat, well of course, the day before I lost all that blood and ended up in the hospital again. (Mmm… Kyle.)
Now, I’ve finally been stable… I hope it stays that way, that my health doesn’t do anything nasty. I’m trying to take good care of myself. Keep myself healthy. I’m trying to build up my strength and my immune system. One thing I have to lay off of is the late nights. I lose track of time, but staying up late is a lousy idea. I need the sleep, especially with my insomniac ways. The trouble is, I get involved in something, and I don’t like to stop. I like to keep going.
But I want to make it to another year. This is going to be a better year. 2011 will be brighter than 2010. I will surprise myself as well as others. I will be slow to anger, and quick to forgive. I will not allow myself to slip into a depressive, stagnant rut where I simply exist. I will live. If I find myself in a situation where I am being hurt, I will remove myself from it. I won’t allow a person to make me feel uncomfortable anymore. If a person behaves in a way that causes me to feel uncomfortable, I will speak up. I will stand by my convictions, but I will not get into arguments where someone is bound to get hurt. Especially me. I’m not a victim anymore, I am a survivor. And I will continue to survive.
I will be more available to others as well. I need people and they need me.
If I find myself getting down, I will read through older blogs and remind myself what it took to get to the place I am now. I’ve cheated death four times now. Life is precious. No matter how crummy things get, I need to remember just how close to death I came. I do not want to die. I am needed. There are others who need me. Nicky, Mom, Susy, and Richie… My friends too. The friends I have and the friends I will have.
For me, birthdays are a time to reflect. I have so much to reflect on. I have a choice on what I make of it. Do I dwell and cry and say “Oh life was bad!”? Or do I say. “Yes, the road has been rocky, but it’s been a learning experience.”? I’ve learned a lot this year. I’ve grown up a lot this year. I’ve learned to appreciate what I do have. People have also learned to appreciate me as well. I’m not being so taken for granted, either.
I’m going to laugh more. Cry more. Joke more. Play more. I will live in the moment and I won’t spend a whole lot of time saying “I should have said….” I will stop and smell the roses so to speak.
And finally, I will try to write more interesting blogs. LOL