Once Upon an Autism, Not Your Regular Fairy Tale

Today is Special Saturday Nicky blogged yesterday. We played, despite the severe pain I was in. I won’t go too in depth about my pain, because my blogs are more for Nicky now, I found a place I can whine about myself. But you know, he was devastated that a pain flare up hit yesterday when we were supposed to play.

I was just as upset, more than he knew. I hid my tears well. My life is broken promises. But, in my experiences, a broken promise to a child with autism is as bad as defying a mafia don, they don’t forget. Just ask my younger brother. Their grudges are something to behold! But that isn’t why I was so driven to keep my promise. I always try to keep my promises, especially to him. He kept crying off and on… So he got a very wounded Saiyan warrior. It’s still bad today. But he will remember. He will remember that I didn’t lie to him. He will know that Mama struggled to play with him and succeeded. I did this morning. And he will be blogging again! Stay tuned and enjoy!

Were was I… Oh yeah, You know how I have imageneary kids? Well they weren’t born, They were hatched. On weakends me,my wife,and my kids snugle like kittens. We play pretend.There are over 514! One of them is Betty, You know, Atomic Betty.Piccolo…He’s cool! I’m even writing a story about them. My mom and I love 2 play made up games. I like them better then video-games. I like seeing mom better this way. My mom dose Vegeta pretty well. It makes me mad that doctors don’t wanna help more because we wanna play. I’m glad moms disabled because we can be closer. Playing is more fun then getting new toys. I like mom just the way she is. All parents shold be good 2 there kids. I’m gonna play this weakend.

Ha! I got you here. Are you expecting a fueled rant on vaccinations? No. You won’t get one. Not really because guess what, I DO NOT KNOW!!! And do you know what? I DO NOT CARE! You can spend so much time blaming, and looking for fault, that time passes by, and you miss out. And you don’t want to miss out on moments you can share with the ones you love.

I’ve cashed in the sensible adult chips. It’s all hogwash. I’m not someone who has autism, but I am eccentric, I’m partly a ditz, I’m too blunt, I’m a nerd. I’m sick of all the crud, it wastes time.

Nicky is happier for it, so am I. We are learning to play. There is nothing better. I rarely watch anything “adult” anymore. Kid stuff is much more fun and it makes more sense.

Thank you green aliens, yellow squares, Fire Nation, gallant heroes, etc. etc. may my screen dance of images of saved worlds, problems solved, with a vocal range I can do after, for my son and I will perform and bask in the glow of a simple life of enjoying every moment.

Nicky has the autism diagnosis. He suffers from people who try to force him to fit in, intolerance, and being misunderstood. I’ll play the drums, while Nicky dances, or rocks to a different beat.

And those who read this, enjoy the ones you love. You can have all the technology, all the best care, etc. etc., but it’s your love, it’s you, who are their best advocate and greatest asset. YOU are their rock. Schools educate, I know we have to set an example, teach manners, we do have to parent, but we can also be kids with them and join in their play, you will learn so much more. The world will become so much brighter. You will have so much more energy, a new lease on life… You will see the rainbows over the gray areas. Tell them you love them as often as you can, I hear it so much now! It’s better than any drug.

And look at the world through butterfly eyes, because their perception may not be the disorder you thought it was, but a secret blessing you never expected. And don’t worry. My blessing will be home soon to contribute!

Nicky, sweetie. I know at your age, you like the gross, disgusting, and everything in the world to make you squeamish. Sweetie, I know this is a rough patch in your life, I took it in the chin, I’m taking it with you, now, but this rant, this creative call to bullies is a lash out to those bullies who hurt you, baby, and to make you laugh, because I know you love it when I try to gross you out. I know you love when girls are gross, my guess is, you get that from your younger uncle. Honey, I am going to embarrass myself just to make you smile. I love you. Live, laugh, play hard, and let’s sock it to ’em. Maybe you will copy me and rant, too. Not bottle it up until it explodes. This is for you.

Dear Bullies,
Dear, that’s the second to last nice word you will get from me. You suck big, fat, gooey, vomit-filled boogers. May your heads be filled with giant maggots that eat away every vein you have!! You deserve to be tortured by yellow jackets. May you be tied down to a fire-ant hill, doused in honey, with ants eating away at your flesh, while wasps, yellow jackets, killer-bees, and bumble bees swarm and sting you painfully, while creeping up your nostrils, into your ears and wherever they else they feel like going! Do you feel so tough now, fart-fudging, poop-eating, snot-sucking, wicked, little creeps? You bonemeal, puke-vaporous, vapid, snakey, turds!! You are awful! Foul! Putrid! Garbage! You are the sewer! You are the toilet of the world. May you be run upon all wet and wild!!! And feel as crappy (Get it?) as you made Nicky feel! May cattle use you as their manure garden and take a huge potty on you! I hope you can hear all that loud farting through the buzzing and chewing of insects though!!! You are nothing but slime spewing poopie-head Neanderthals! (Nicky came up with that) May oozing pustules form on your butts!!! May your organs do oragami! May pigs drop festering, scabs of pain on your eyeballs!!! May a huge elephant regurgitate on your head. May it have a quick head cold and feel better as it sneezes a huge gob of green snot on your hair!!!!

Now that I’ve relieved, Nicky’s pain. You still bullied when talked to… He quaked when questioned because he felt threatened, and now, I cannot fully intervene. Bullies, truly, I wish, you’d look in the mirror and take a nice long look. Examine yourself carefully. Why do you bully? You’re the one who will lose in the end. I’m not a victim, I’m a survivor, I won’t be taken down. Bigger, stronger, have tried. Thank your lucky stars that Nicky’s been taught my docile side, and not the side that’s had to fight, though he’s been given glimpses… be thankful he is gentle and sweet, and hope he isn’t all like me.

I was always compared to my aunt. God bless the woman I am, yes, but I am also my mother’s daughter. No one ever compared me to Mom. Oh people…. I’ve been compared to my father. Ha! I’m a combination of my mom and my aunt and something else. Bullies, you better hope Nicky is more like his uncles and less like his mother, you better be thankful I have raised him the way I have.

He called me kitten. I’m a dang cougar with claws when I need to be. I was knocked too many times, I did fight back. Nicky’s growing fast you better hope to high heaven he doesn’t…. or that I don’t.

Love, (Cuz we don’t hate)
Tracy

This weekend, Nicky will blog, he wants at the keyboard, he wants to do all the typing without Mommy hanging over to correct errors… to heck with spelling… Ladies and Gentlemen, you will get pure Nicky. I will let him have at it because he’s happy.

The school is looking into what happened.

Nicky’s world is balanced. Nicky is happy. He is so Happy.

He makes me feel like a superhero.

If you’re a parent, I think you are. I almost said mom, but there are a few darn good fathers out there, too.

Friday. We play, we’ll see if he blogs then or Saturday before respite. Special Saturday for twitter. http://forspecialneeds.co.uk/2011/02/12/special-saturday-12-02-11 check it out, please. I’m letting Nicky on this weekend, too.

I told him that he is loved online. I told him to remember that if anyone tries to tell him different. He’s loved at home. Many of his respite workers adore him, too. I gave him the armor of love. I’m building up his self esteem, I’m trying to give him the tools to defend himself. I told him that he can call home if he needs to. I know I can’t physically wrap my arms around him 24/7. I wish I could. We all want to put that cocoon there, but he has a safety net. I will keep working on it. I don’t give him false words and false dreams, I’m very honest with him, but he can still reach for the stars. Autism doesn’t have to stop him! I told him there is an adult woman who has autism with two kids with autism. It was made too big, I am squashing it down.

He’s funny. He’s smart. He’s lovable. He’s remarkable. He’s Nicky. He’s not rotten. He’s my beautiful butterfly and I love him. I told him I love his autism too and his eyes filled with tears because I told him I wouldn’t cure him if it changed who he was because I love him.

Does it get any better? I don’t think so. I love my child. I thank God I have Nicky. I just hope he realizes what an asset he is to the world. He is. If anyone disagrees with me…. I might remember my teenage years…. I had a foul mouth. I can out cuss the best of them, I just won’t take the Lord’s name in vain. But when mad enough…

But I don’t want to. Not here. Not on forums, nor Twitter, for there are good children that might be looking over the shoulder and I don’t want them reading that language.

I am turning on the way back machine because there are so many misconceptions about autism. There are so many things that “experts” say, and hopes either get built or killed. Those “experts” don’t know Nicky. They don’t know what he’s overcome. That young man has beat a lot of odds and I am his biggest cheerleader.

They said Nicky would never talk…

And believe me, I thank God that the child never shuts up. I rejoice that he chatters on and on.

I’m mad right now, So mad I could spit. I started this blog on a happy note, but now I’m angry.

Nicky has been faking illness for a few days, I forced him to go to school today. I get phone calls through out the day, he claims he has explosive diarrhea. I tell the nurse to keep him there and check. Nothing.

He comes home… He screeches in my face for not believing him. I stay calm on the outside, I know he’s hurting, I know he’s lying to me, he’s not sick. He tries to look imposing and then… He cracks and breaks down. Bullies. Nasty, slimy, little bullies. Snide remarks were made. And some shoving was involved… Nicky does nothing because they were girls. I tell him I love him more than the world, I hold him as he sobs brokenly, telling me how much it hurts. It kills me. He calms down goes with his (she’s like a PCA) for a bit while I fuss and stew.

I’m calm now, I’ve been away from the computer, Nicky has come home, he’s in bed.

I took names, events, and where, I’m calling Nicky’s case manager tomorrow. I’ve had it. There were some boys involved, too. I’m the b-word that took names, by golly. Enough is enough! His relief was so immense and then, he admitted to shaving his brows off because he wanted to look like Piccolo from Dragon-Ball Z Kai. I told him he could just pretend. He got excited, then I told him I would even put green on his face… Joy! Then…. I told him I would PLAY with him, you know, act out the characters. The rapture on his face, my heart melted. It’s like I waved a magic wand and fixed his world. And we’re getting Mom involved, too.

So on Friday, when he comes home from school. I will likely have to rasp like the Grand Elder, and sneer like Vegeta. Also, he wants to pretend to be Zuko and have a scar made on his face. And will I be sweet Katara? Not likely, because I can sneer and sound crazy like Azula, and you can bet Nicky will have me be Azula. I’m good at doing “Voices” I did them for my younger brother when we were little. Do I look forward to playing like a little kid with my son? I’ll treasure every moment and hope I don’t sprain or break anything trying to act something out. Ha! Ha! Ha!

I tend towards being the quiet type. I prefer to be the type that blends into the scenery, but, with a child like Nicky, that just will not happen. I have to speak up in many situations for him whether they be in Twitter or in school.

The last thing I would ever do is approach Dee Bradley Baker, Dante Basco, and or Rob Paulsen. I have absolutely nothing against them. I think they are a fine addition to the world of fantasy, whether in movies, television or video games. But Nicky likes them…. He wants to be a part of their world and them a vice versa. I’m just not the type of person to approach someone on the street. online, or otherwise when I admire them too, because I’m actually on the shy side. But when it comes to Nicky, I will put that aside. For Nicky, I will go as far as to make a ass out of myself if it does something to boost his confidence. I feel like I’ve done a great job over the week. Stuff happened all over the place, the cat, the school bully… But, my dear little boy got his shout out, his confidence was restored and he felt better. Why do I do it? Overindulgence? If you think so… Blah. First and foremost, I love him. Second, he doesn’t ever ask for much. Not really. He jokes and teases about wanting this or that on television. But honestly, he truly doesn’t ask for much. If he asks me to reach out an make another connection to a human being, I will NOT deprive him of that. You bet I will do it even if it yanks me out of my own comfort zone.

I won’t let him get his own Facebook or Twitter account, not yet. I know he’d love that, but I’d rather be an overly cautious mom than to have him give out info to someone that I didn’t know about. We’re all putting ourselves out there just a bit any way. I’m going to take extra caution when it comes to my own child. The connections he’s made with people thus far, unless I’ve been thoroughly snowed, are straight up, honest people. Some, I am 100% sure about because you can’t get much more proof than video. If I’m not sure about someone, I back off. I still encounter jerks. I know Nicky will as well, but I can still do everything I can to protect him. It’s a balancing act. I know I can’t be the clenching vine and shroud him all the world evil, but I a don’t want to shove him out in it either. With his autism, he has more of a challenge. He knows it to an extent. People were always very blatant in front of him, so much that he’s even tried to use Autism as an excuse (goes nowhere with me) if he thinks he can get his way.

My child is very bright in some ways, he knows how to get what he wants, even when it comes to me. Even I can be worn down, but he knows this because he’s mine and he gets that from me. That impossible drive to push forward to get what we want except I have (I hope) more hindsight, realizing that I can’t knock things down to do it. I don’t want to hurt people to get what I want, he doesn’t either, but our perceptions of hurt differ because of the spectrum.

“They” say autistics do not feel empathy. I think that’s often misused, I think they perceive and react differently. I’ll readily admit, I am a very emotional person. Nicky is very emotional. But what we react to, may be completely different. I know, even when life is in an overload, that I have to be careful how I react because Nicky can get triggered if I get upset. He’s very protective of me. He might get as mad as heck at me and storm out of a room if I look at him wrong, but if one were to utter something he didn’t like to me, look out. He will get ticked off and blow up like a Roman Candle. This has proved both good and bad. It’s sweet to be loved, but he’s gone off at the wrong times because he’s misunderstood what was being said. Of course, that’s never good because someone ends up hurt and you must explain this to the little love of your life who ends up dejected, because he felt he was justified in being protective.

Often, I’ve been asked if I wished if there were a cure for autism.

I’ve got a question. Do I want to change Nicky? Would I want to change any part of his personality? NO! I love my son, but I also LIKE my son. I like Nicky. I like the way he chatters happily by my side. I like the way he sways when we listen to music. I like him, I love him, and even though it’s been a bumpy road, I’m my mother’s daughter, she loves me for me, I love Nicky for Nicky and maybe we are even closer because of his autism. Who knows?

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